 |
| You might want to wait for a firing so- |
Previously in Mass Effect 3: Absolutely nothing note-worthy happened, so I'm glad we get to start off with something really dense.
We get off to a flying (no pun intended) start , as the Normandy arrives at Palaven. It starts with a cinematic, in which we see a turian fleet moving in to engage the Reapers. The ships start firing at the Reapers, missing most of their shots. Now, how did that exchange between the Gunnery Chief and Serviceman Burnside go in ME1?
Gunnery Chief: This, recruits, is a 20-kilo ferris slug, feel the weight. Every five seconds, the main gun of an everest class dreadnought accelerates one to 1.3% of light-speed. It impacts with the force of a 38-kiloton bomb. That is three times the yield of the city-buster dropped on Hiroshima back on Earth. That means- Sir Issac Newton is the deadliest son-of-a-bitch in space. Now! Serviceman Burnside! What is Newton's first law?
Serviceman Burnside: Sir! An object in motion stays in motion, sir!
Gunnery Chief: No credit for partial answers, maggot!
Serviceman Burnside: Sir! Unless acted on by an outside force, sir!
Gunnery Chief: Damn straight! I dare to assume you ignorant jackasses know that space is empty. Once you fire this hunk of metal, it keeps going til it hits something. That can be a ship. Or the planet behind that ship. It might go off into deep space and hit somebody else in ten thousand years. If you pull the trigger on this, you are ruining someones day, somewhere and sometime. That is why you check your targets. That is why you wait for the computer to give you a damn firing solution. That is why, Serviceman Chung, we do not "eyeball it". This is a weapon of mass destruction. You are not a cowboy shooting from the hip!
 |
| ...solution. |
So by the end of the engagement, Palaven would be nothing more than a giant pile of smouldering rubble on one side. I cannot believe Bioware would contradict the lore like that just for the "cool factor" of giant spaceships going pew pew all over the place.
As a side note, why don't the Reapers just take control of the Mass Relays and disable/enable them to control space traffic, handicapping the opposition? They're the ones that built them in the first place. That would mess up the plot though...
 |
| Shepard fights a husk. |
There's a brief exchange between our squad and Shepard, after which we get to play. The gameplay here is basically shooting husks from the shuttle. If you feel like not shooting, it's okay - you can just take whatever's left out when the shuttle lands. The game rarely manages to build up any kind of tension because of inconsequential scenes like this one. The shuttle lands, we get to fire bullets at stuff to make the bad guys fall down, so we could move on.
 |
| Is it too much to ask for?! |
Team Shepard arrives at a turian defence outpost and meets General Corinthus, who's having problems with a comm tower. We learn that Primarch Fedorian is dead and only the Palaven Command can tell who the next Primarch is. Of course what all of this means is that we're going to have to fix the tower ourselves.
Why couldn't we just use the Normandy to contact Palaven Command? Previously in the game, specialist Traynor told Shepard that the Normandy was retrofitted to be Anderson's mobile command centre. It's even quipped with a quantum entanglement comm device. However, as logic has no place in this game, we stroll to the tower and fix it ourselves. Also, you get to choose who repairs the tower and it's either James or Liara. I guess both have joint honours degrees in turian comm technology & plot convenience.
Our team heads back to General Corinthus, who still doesn't know anything about the new Primarch. Suddenly, out of nowhere:
Turian Soldier: I'm on it Shepard. We'll find you the Primarch.
 |
| Fancy meeting you here, guys! |
Lo and behold, it's Garrus! Come on, Bioware - are you even
trying? Why don't you just
mail us all our old companions in bubble wrap while you're at it. Liara on Mars, Garrus on Palaven's moon, what's next?
Now we need to track down General Victus, who's to be the next Primarch. Corinthus will try to contact Victus and Shepard will have to shoot stuff in the mean time.
Gameplay starts and we get to shoot the same, boring, zombie-like enemies again. I have to ask why are most of these husks here human? You only encounter turian husks a bit later on and in smaller number. In fact, I haven't seen any Dragon's Teeth - the devices that actually turn people into husks.
After even more shooting, Corinthus contacts Shepard and requests assistance because the advanced turian soldier can't fight for their lives. We get to shoot a stationary turret this time. This is as boring as you'd expect - just point and click until the game prepares another set piece.
 |
| Cutscene induced stupidity. |
A cutscene starts, where we see a huge turian husk charge and hit the turret platform. Suddenly, Shepard is no longer standing behind the turret. The cutscene teleported Shepard
in front of the turret, where he gets knocked down to the ground, near the turian monster. What kind of nonsense is this? Shepard is a complete moron in cutscenes, and we'll see this notion being reinforced throughout the game.
 |
| Complex enemies my ass. |
Mass Effect 3's gameplay designed Christina Norman, during the GDC conference announced that one of the goal of ME3 was to have more complex enemies. Boy, was that a failure on her part then.
The enemies in this game are not hard. They're only artificially hard, because of the amount of health they posses; enemies can only win by sheer health bar size. Take for example this turian husk: He stands still for a moment, charges and then crashes into something, as you roll out of his way. This is simply lazy. Batman: Arkham Asylum had these kind of bosses, and they were just as stupid. People didn't like them but atleast in that game they were more of a challenge, because you constantly had to dodge their
varied attacks
and counter henchmen in hand-to-hand combat. Later on, the game will just start spamming the turian monsters to compensate for the non-existent difficulty.
 |
| How cool people traverse slopes. |
Afterwards, Corinthus still can't get any word on where Victus is, so Shepard just asks Garrus to take them where he last saw him. While the team heads there, the guys exchange a few words of exposition, filling in the clueless ones about krogans and salarians. There's a moment during the journey, where Shepard walks up to a slope and slides down. The HUD disappears and the player loses control for a second while this happens. Absolutely pointless! Can't Shepard walk down slopes without sliding down? It wasn't even that steep to begin with.
 |
That ship just stood still, shooting
space the entire time. |
We get to a turian outpost and after more attrition battles we finally find General Victus, who's now a Primarch, I guess. Shepard convinces him to come along and the team leaves. Garrus comes along too for no reason, even though some time ago, he was talking about how important it is not to lose this moon. Wha..?
It's worth noting how we never actually get to see or experience the Reaper invasion at the front lines ourselves. We hear people talk about it, we get set pieces in the background, but never do we really see the onslaught of a full-scale invasion. There should be hundreds of soldiers all around the battlefield moving back and forth between enemy lines. All we get are these enclosed spaces with husks coming at us in small groups.
 |
| The game is big on breasts. |
Back on board the Normandy, Shepard has a conversation with a Council member and Admiral Hackett. Afterwards, while walking around the ship, we see the lights flicker. Apparently this meant that EDI went offline. Not sure exactly why this would affect the lights, but let's just roll with it. Also, why is Shepard the one sent into the AI core chamber? Does he have a background in computer systems? Regardless, he enters the room and out of the smoke comes out EDI in Dr. Eva's body... oh wow. She's still wearing that ridiculous looking visor. Why? If you're an android, I doubt you need that.
Now that we got Joker a new sex toy, we can conclude this part. Hope you've enjoyed it.
End of Part 5.